The Zombie-Beast

Dear Canadian Public:

I apologize to be pestering you with yet another letter, but I believe it is important for you to understand the nature of the beast you are feeding with your tax dollars.

This is a special kind of beast: a zombie-beast. Usually they are born into middle-class households, where the offspring follows the parent’s footsteps not out of worship, but from lack of ingenuity or ambition. Later they devolve into disinterested drones—unquestioning the “job for life”, resistant to change, and forever harkening to “the good old days”. In fact, a zombie-beast’s scope of vision is so narrow, it can even see its own nose! (Ask one and see for yourself)

This is all to ask (oh you poor citizen): “Do you really know what’s wrong with our government drones?” And I will tell you that they just don’t care about anything that doesn’t affect them personally. For example, a mail-processing zombie doesn’t care about the price of stamps, who the letters come from, or where the mail is going — oh no. Said zombie cares only about how sharp the letter-opener is; after all, the other issues don’t really affect it (or do they?).

When a bureaucrat higher on the organizational ladder attempts, tactfully, to explain to a zombie-beast why perhaps some event in this room, in this department, in this city, or in this godforsaken universe might ACTUALLY matter if it doesn’t PERSONALLY and IMMEDIATELY affect said zombie ... well that is like asking a blind man to describe a rainbow.

Communication with zombies is extremely difficult: The ideas go through the air, they hit the eardrum, but they do not enter the zombie’s brain – they do not process. In return, the zombie spews a stream of verbal excess that drowns in its own cliché. I would like to snatch the words out of the air and rearrange them, snip out the unnecessary ones, make them shorter, do a spell & grammar check, send back the copyrighted ones, and rephrase – so that everyone understands. I’d like to jump up and down in front of them and scream: “Earth matters! Life matters! People matter!” but I daresay it would be to no avail.

Until the next coffee or smoke break I remain
Dutifully yours,

Jane Public